Caught In The Sun
by Cheyne
Summary: A Subaru/Kamui introspective songfic set to Course of Nature's Caught In The Sun. The story contains shounen-ai, so beware!


Songfic. Wheeee. Glass Wind is coming along well, along with a sequal to Counterpoint, which is currently unnamed. I hope you guys enjoy this. ^^ It's written basically in the same format as If I Am, my Yami no Matsuei songfic.  
  
Notes: Shounen-ai, angst, dark, and WAFF.. and a little AU. to sweeten the deal. ^.~ First person, present tense, POV switches between Kamui and Subaru. Caught in the Sun belongs to Course of Nature, and the X boys don't belong to me, they belong to CLAMP. Starving college student. =\  
  
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Caught In The Sun  
************  
  
//You're my distant destination of choice...  
I'd give anything  
Just to hear your voice...//  
  
- Kamui -  
  
I couldn't stop thinking of you after you pulled me out of myself. You were the only thing that held me together after Kotori's death. You risked your life, and your sanity, to save me. How could I -not- think of you after that? You pieced me back together when I thought there was nothing left but broken shards. You -saved- me. When I woke up, and felt your warmth, your weight on top of me.. all I wanted to do was hold you and lay like that forever. The other Seals seemed to understand that, and they left me alone with you. You were hurt, because of me.. and I wanted to protect you.  
  
This fire inside my heart.. I know what it is. I felt it for Kotori, before she died. I think that's part of why I fell apart at that time. I loved her so much, and she was taken from me before I could tell her. I also felt it for Fuuma.. maybe stronger than I felt it for Kotori. When he hurt me, it felt like my very soul had been ripped in half and stomped on. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to curl up and die.. so I retreated Within myself.  
  
You wouldn't let me die, though. You.. you pulled me out. You were the one who told me that I had something to live for, and that I should never give up. You told me to never let go of my Wish. I -believed- you. Your words are engraved in my mind, and I remember the sound of your quiet voice speaking them every day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, Sumeragi Subaru.   
  
Not a day goes by that I don't love you.  
  
//I could have passed you on the street  
Without saying a word...  
Most times I miss the voice that goes unheard...//  
  
- Subaru -  
  
I was pretty wrapped up in myself, I guess. I couldn't see past myself and my own problems for a very long time. My work as an onmiyouji suffered because of that. I didn't know what to do. Seishirou-san had taken me in his hands and broken me completely, like a dry branch of that Tree of his. All it had taken were four little words... "I don't love you."   
  
I shattered.  
  
After that, I wandered aimlessly for nine years. Nine years, Seishirou-san. I was alive, but I didn't live. I breathed, my heart was beating, but I wasn't really -there-. I went home to Kyoto and hid in my room for two of those years, until I was convinced to go out and immerse myself in helping others. That helped, a little bit, but I was still too hung up on the pain that wouldn't go away. I was haunted endlessly by nightmares and memories. The past refused to leave me alone and let me move on.  
  
However, when I met you, that started to change. I saw someone who had suffered as much as I had, who had been betrayed by a loved one. I took a huge risk when I opened myself to you, showing you the secrets and the pain of my soul. I was afraid you would refuse me, push me away and refuse to come out of your shell. Instead.. you cried when you saw what happened to me. You cried when you saw my beloved sister being murdered.. you even tried to -save- her, even though it was just a memory. Your tears are something I haven't forgotten, Kamui. I really don't think I'll ever be able to forget that.  
  
I'm lucky I met up with the other Seals when I did. It would have been so easy for me to pass you by, to not have even noticed your suffering. I was on the brink of sinking deeper into my despair, not caring at all for the future or for the Promised Day. All I cared about was getting Seishirou-san back. Actually, no. I don't know -what- I wanted. I wanted a lot of things, I guess. I wanted to be myself again. I wanted everything the way it was, with Seishirou-san and Hokuto-chan by my side. I wanted to be able to respect myself again.   
  
Sometimes at night, I think I hear Hokuto-chan's voice whispering to me.. or I hear Seishirou-san murmuring my name. I miss them so much...  
  
It hurts so much...  
  
//What if I missed you,  
You got caught in the sun...  
What if I did something  
Never to be undone...//  
  
- Subaru -  
  
It would have been so easy, Kamui. I'm not sure if you understand.. I'm not sure if -I- understand. I could have passed you so easily.. I could have ignored your feelings for me and gone on as if nothing had changed. It would have been -so- easy. I don't know if I could have lived with myself, though. I'd probably never be able to forgive myself for it.. I would have just.. I don't know.   
  
There are so many things I don't know.  
  
After he broke me, I could have killed myself. I -would- have. I -wanted- to. I don't even know what stopped me. I had the knife in my hands. The blade was pressed to my wrist. Suddenly.. it felt like I was wrapped in a warm embrace. I started shaking.. and the knife hit the floor. I dropped down beside it and sobbed for hours.. but I lived. I -lived-.  
  
No.. I.. -survived-.  
  
//People everywhere,  
How could I be sure..  
If it's you that I have been looking for...//  
  
- Kamui -  
  
I don't know exactly when I realized that you were special to me. There's always so much going on, always so much confusion and pain.. there are times when I can barely remember my own name. One night, when I was outside, alone.. I thought about you. The way you tilt your head to one side when you're confused or thinking hard about something.. the way you close your eyes halfway when you're smoking.. the way those eyes look at me and laugh silently when I chide you for it. The way you smile at me.. the warmth of your embrace.. and those beautiful, beautiful eyes.  
  
A warmth filled my heart then, and I stood there for a long moment, one hand on my chest. I felt giddy. I wanted to laugh and shout, to run around and roll in the grass. When I realized I loved you.. I was so, so happy. It occured to me that you might not return my feelings, but.. those feelings were so precious to me.. it didn't bother me very much. I just wanted to be in your arms forever.  
  
I still wish for that.  
  
//What would it take for me  
To be comfortable  
With you, with me...  
You're the chosen one...//  
  
- Subaru -  
  
I remember waking up in your arms after I'd been Within you. My first thought was of escape. I wanted to run and hide from the depth of gratitude in those violet eyes. When I managed to get ahold of myself and realize that running was silly, a new thought struck me. I knew you'd fall in love with me, or at least be attracted to me. That thought made the storm in my heart quiet down a bit. I wasn't sure if I wanted that or not. Half of me told me to push you away, to break your trust for me. The other half told me to hold you close and protect you from everything I could protect you from.  
  
I walked a fine line between those two, sometimes being cold and other times being warm. I held you when you cried, I pushed you away when you gently inquired about me. I confused you so much that you stopped coming to me.. and that hurt more than anything. I think it was at that time that I realized I was starting to fall in love with you.  
  
This shocked me. What could I do? I loved Seishirou-san.. didn't I?  
  
Maybe not as much as I thought I had.. or maybe you were helping me let go. You depended on me for so much, and I was suddenly loathe to break the trust you had in me. I just wanted to hold you tight and drown my suffering in your love for me.  
  
However.. something still stopped me. I wasn't quite ready. I hadn't quite killed my demons. I wanted them all to be gone before I began a relationship with you. When I told you that, you took it as a rejection, and you started to cry. When you started to cry.. I broke down and cried, too. We clung to eachother on your bed, both of us miserable and neither of us able to break the spell.  
  
I think.. that's when I truely started to let go of the past.  
  
//What if I missed you  
You got caught in the sun...  
What if I did something  
Never to be undone...//  
  
- Kamui -  
  
There are so many 'what if's that I can come up with. Every single one of them scares me. Just.. let me hold you, Subaru. Let me -forget- everything that's happening.  
  
"I love you," I whisper, lifting a hand to run through your silken black hair. "Please don't leave me.."  
  
The look in your eyes is enough to break my heart. "I won't," you whisper. You pull me close, and I feel my tears spill over.  
  
I love you so much it hurts.  
  
//You are there for me,  
This I hope and pray...  
You will wait for me,  
I won't be too late...//  
  
- Subaru -  
  
"He's there.. alone.. the sakurazukamori.." Hinoto's head lowers.  
  
My heart turns to ice. "I'll go," I say quietly.  
  
She looks up at me, the ornaments in her hair chiming softly. "Alone?"  
  
I smile bitterly. "The others will be too late."  
  
I turn.  
  
I walk out of the room.  
  
- Kamui -  
  
When I feel his kekkai go up, I want to scream and howl in rage. I know exactly what's happening. Arashi stares at me in shock when I start to drag her towards the door, and we run to Rainbow Bridge together. A sickening wave of fear crashes over me when your kekkai starts to crumble.  
  
"SUBARU!" I scream. Your name is ripped out of me in an anguished cry, stained with my heart's blood. Everyone around can tell how much I love you.  
  
You're holding him tight, even though he's gone. You look up at me, your eyes dull. When I see those eyes, I want to scream.   
  
You don't see me. You don't see -anything-.  
  
//What if I missed you,  
You got caught in the sun...  
What if I did something,  
Never to be undone...//  
  
- Kamui -  
  
Your room is dark, except for the faint light that streams in from the window and the glow of your cigarette. I whisper your name, tinged with despair and sorrow.  
  
"I'm all right," you reply, looking at me. "I'll be.. all right." I walk to you slowly, and you put your cigarette out and stand. "I wanted to die, you know.. Hokuto-chan's spell kept me alive."  
  
I wrap my arms around you and rest my head on your shoulder. "Subaru," I whisper. I tighten my grip, feeling you start to shake. "Please.."  
  
You slowly embrace me, trembling harder now. "Kamui, I don't know what to do!.."  
  
Gently, I let you go and push you down onto the bed. I rest my head on your chest and listen to the comforting sound of your heartbeat, slow and steady. "Just.. go on," I breathe. "Go on.."  
  
You wrap your arms around me again and hold me close, and when I realize you're crying, I shift, moving up to hold you tightly against me, tucking your head under my chin. "It hurts so much," you whimper, shaking with silent sobs.  
  
"I know," I whisper. "I know. I want to help. Please.. let me help."  
  
You pull back and look up at me, pleading silently with your beautiful eyes. Eye, now. "You won't leave me?"  
  
I smile and brush my lips over your forehead. "I won't leave you," I reply. "I promise."  
  
You look at me for a moment, then smile back, gently running a hand through my hair. You move up so you're even with me, and your lips touch mine. "I love you," you whisper.  
  
"I love you, Subaru," I reply. "Forever." We close our eyes, and the kiss goes on. Our hearts are one.. I'm not afraid anymore.  
  
I have the strength to go on.  
  
********  
Owari  
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-- Cheyne  
cheyne@everlastingstory.net  
10:58 PM 6/3/2002 


End file.
